God caused Hurricane Katrina to wipe out New Orleans because it had a gay pride parade the week before and was filled with sexual sin. (Pastor John Haggee of San Antonio, Texas)
If anybody looks at the news and has just seen what’s been happening recently with the floods, the fires, the tornadoes — God is shaking. (Pam Olsen, founder of the Florida Prayer Network)
The massive tornadoes that hit Illinois after the passing of the same-sex “marriage” bill has stimulated many people to reflection. In it, some see God’s chastisement; others see it as yet one more merciful warning from Providence. (Robert Ritchie, Executive Director of America Needs Fatima, a project of the American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family, and Property)
JIM: …where our own Middle School Tigers scored the winning goal.
JANE: They move on to regional playoffs now, right, Jim?
JIM: You bet they do, Jane. Rip and roar, Tigers!
JIM: Ha ha ha!
JANE: Ha ha ha!
JIM: Or does she mean “brrrr”?
JANE: Ha ha ha! Bob Johnson has the weather.
BOB: Thanks, Jane. We’re looking at continued snowfall tomorrow, probably about 13 inches.
JANE: Hmm. I’m a woman, Bob, so I can definitely say — that’s more like six inches.
BOB: And temperatures below freezing, with a wind-chill factor well into negative numbers.
JIM: Brrrr — that is cold.
BOB: Let’s take a look at the Channel 4 Gay Weather Forecast. What we’re seeing is a “polar vortex” — a low-pressure system moving into clusters of spiraling homosexuals at the North Pole.
JANE: What causes them to spin like that, Bob?
BOB: Good question, Jane, and fun for the kids at home. The gays spin clockwise in the Southern Hemisphere, and counter-clockwise in our hemisphere, due to a combination of the Earth’s rotation, its tilt on its axis, and that new Beyoncé album.
JANE: That Beyoncé joint is fierce, Bob.
BOB: It’s ferocious.
JIM: Eskimos are gay. Where’s that picture of the one on Alaska Airlines? On the tail.
JANE: Bob, these are unseasonably, almost unbelievably low temperatures. Snowdrifts as high as an SUV, ice storms —
BOB: That’s the devastating toll that gay marriage has taken on the atmosphere, Jane. Gay engagement parties, gay weddings, gay wedding receptions — they send vast, dense clouds of celebration skyward, where they’re trapped by the ozone layer.
JANE: Isn’t that what’s called the Green House Music Effect?
BOB: Right you are, Jane. That rapidly syncopating DONK-donk-donk-de-DONK-donk-donk-de-DONK beat presses back on the ocean’s surface, displacing the water and causing seas to rise.
JANE: The ocean is rising?
JIM: The ocean is gay. That’s why it’s not affected by oil slicks. It loves oil slicks. That’s why Florida looks like a penis. And Italy looks like a penis.
JANE: Italy looks like a boot.
JIM: It’s a pretty big penis.
BOB: On the national weather map, this cold snap hasn’t affected California at all. The Golden State has built up an immunity to anti-gay weather with tons of actual gay people.
JANE: So God’s using homophobic weather to punish gays in places where there are, in fact, not a lot of gays. That doesn’t make sense.
BOB: It’s science, Jane. It doesn’t have to make sense.
JIM: New York’s got a lot of gays, and it’s blizzard after blizzard there. How’s New York different from California?
BOB: New Yorkers eat carbohydrates. Big, round carbs slathered in tomato sauce and pepperoni. Twisted, salty carbs loaded with mustard. In New York, running isn’t a “wellness activity.” It’s what you do to get away from the police.
JANE: California gets warm weather, but New Yorkers eat whatever they want. Why’s that?
BOB: New York got first pick. Back to you, Jane.
I wrote and produced a short film called “Out Smart.” Watch it at OutSmartMovie.com.